"Teens Don't Like Adults" Myth
As a father of two teenage
daughters (15 and 17) I have continually heard the comment that goes
something along the lines of "Whoa, that's a tough age. I guess you'll
get to talk to them again in six years!"
I have also run into
numerous dads (moms too) that say, "Yeah, my kids don't even want to be
around me these days. They are so into their friends."
The first comment is a myth. The second is a cop out.
Granted, teenagers want their independence, but they still want their parents in their lives. More on this later.
What
I believe happens is that parents get intimidated and busy and stop
taking the time to ask children simple, conversational questions about
their lives.
Nothing can be more intimidating than walking into
a room of seven teenagers talking about music or anything, and feeling
completely outnumbered, out-cultured, and out of sorts. It is easier to
walk away than say, "What's going on?" It is easier to walk away than
ask that new pimply-faced boy you haven't seen before, "Where do you go
to school? "How are the grades going? Where did you go to middle
school?" This starts the dialogue. Walk into the teenage fray we must.
Take a deep breath, walk in, and ask away!
Let's face it: we
parents are human beings too. And half the time these kid's parents
have stopped talking to them and their teachers are basically time
police. You may be the first adult who has asked them a considered
question in the last month. People, even teenagers, love to talk about
themselves. So if you give them half a chance they will. You can become
an oasis of freedom to talk about themselves. This goes for your own
children as well. It doesn't have to be an interrogation. Just a
question about school, about a friend, about music. You don't have to
be cool or "in the know." "Who is that group? Are they popular?" You
don't have to know that Eminem is back with Kim. The key, I believe, is
to not give up on the initial push back - or non-push back in the case
of teenagers. They won't be forthcoming. They won't answer. They may
shrug and say "Oh, nothing." But believe me they want to talk. They are
dying to talk. Even if they don't.
Some how to's:
1. Be the house they can come to. Let kids gather at your house. Anytime.
2.
Food. Have lots of food. Kids (especially boys) love food. Don't take,
"I'm not hungry," for an answer. Teenagers are always hungry. Food is
the lubricant for talk.
3. Don't be judgmental. I am not saying to
let them have drugs in your house. But don't let the disapproval of a
little tattoo or funky hair on your kids friends show on your face.
4. In and out. Don't hover. Come in, ask a few questions. Then get out. Let them breath.
5.
Rules are OK. I like to keep them reciprocal. I respect you. You
respect me is my favorite. I don't talk to you that way, you don't talk
to me that way.
One last word on kids wanting you in their
lives: Have you ever met a thirty year old that said, "I sure wish my
parents hadn't been in my life when I was a teenager." I haven't.
Mostly we hear the opposite. Kids might be confused, they might even be
angry. They may even be embarrassed by you - but then again everyone's
parents are an embarrassment. But, you are like the old best friend
that you haven't seen in ten years. Even though they would never tell
you, your kids want to see you and most importantly, talk to you.
"Teens Don't Like Adults" is a Myth. Don't buy into it. Read a compilation of all the great
parenting advice that received from readers over the years.
